Who Is Your Safe Person? PART TWO

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4. They apologize but don’t change their behavior.

Unsafe people are skilled manipulators when it comes to apologies. First, they may offer an insincere apology such as, “I’m sorry I did that, but you push my buttons.” They’ve turned the tables to make it your fault!

Also, unsafe people avoid working on their problems. It takes a lot of effort to heal or change, and it’s easier to point the finger at someone else.

Safe people offer genuine apologies, such as, “I am sorry I hurt you by being late. Will you forgive me?” Then they do their best not to let it happen again.

5. They are emotionally distant (you feel alone).

Unsafe people leave you feeling alone even when they are next to you. That’s because they are emotionally unavailable. Being in a relationship is existing together on certain emotional wavelengths. Research at Northwestern University and UC Berkley has shown that couples who experience dynamic convergence are more likely to succeed at marriage.

If you listen closely to the conversations you are having with an unsafe person, you will see how it’s been you who has shared failures, secrets, hopes, and dreams. There is no genuine connection below the surface level. You don’t unite emotionally.

However, safe people are those who not only listen to your mistakes, hopes, dreams, and secrets but don’t share them with others. They consider their time with you and your emotions sacred, not senseless or irrelevant.

6. They stay in the parent-child role.

I recall the unsafe person (a narcissist) in my adulthood who would tuck me in bed and kiss me on the forehead. Yet, he would speak and treat his teenage daughter like an adult when she was 15. This righteous behavior would happen almost nightly before he would hide out in his office and watch pornography.

Unsafe people can also take the role of a child. Have you ever heard someone say, “Gosh, being around this person is like being around a kid again!” Unfortunately, that may not be a compliment because kids can be selfish, immature, and inconsiderate.

A safe person influences you to approach situations or conversations with maturity because they do, too. There is no game to be played or scenario to win, or secret to hide. They don’t see you as inferior or superior. You are equals in life, even if one of you is the mentor.

7. They demand trust but don’t earn it.

Have you ever met someone, and within the first few minutes, they say, “You know you can trust me.” Well, no, you don’t. Trust takes time. Unsafe people want others to believe in their goodness and honesty when you haven’t had enough time to witness if they have those character traits.

Unsafe people may demand respect due to a title, family of origin, money, or athletic prowess. We can certainly respect a doctor, a professional athlete, and a grandfather, but are those people safe? Of course, they are human, too, and humans have flaws. But, again, time reveals character.

If you’ve been raised in a toxic environment, unsafe people can feel healthy or “normal.” It takes time to build character discernment, but it is possible. First, continue to work on your pain from previous relationships, learn from it, and put it behind you. Then, pay attention to that voice in your head or feeling in your gut that says, “Something isn’t right.”

Remember that safe people aren’t safe one hundred percent of the time, but they can still be genuinely good people. Listen to see if a genuine apology follows a mishap. Safe people are there when you need them, and that’s what you deserve.

How a Narcissist Mirrors the Grinch
Who Is Your Safe Person? PART ONE
 

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Tuesday, 17 May 2022

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