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Let's face it. We're all human, we make mistakes, get in a hurry, and sometimes forget ourselves in the daily rat race. It can be easy to slip up and accidentally cut off another driver, or rush through a door without noticing someone else waiting to go through.

However, people who routinely behave like this are rude and selfish, and I know I don't like it very well when a door slams in my face, or I have to slam on my brakes because someone was in such a big hurry that they just had to get in front of me, only to get stopped right next to me at the next signal.

Sure, there are emergencies, but I seriously doubt all the people I see doing this daily are on their way to deal with any emergency.

I was raised with the "Golden Rule." While I'm not religious by any means, I do believe in ethics and good manners, and that Golden Rule saying of, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's the most basic lubrication for society at large.

Keeping Your Word

I was raised that, if you promise someone you will do something for them, whether family or a group to which you belong, you bloody well better follow through and do it! If you have a habit of changing your mind, with or without letting people know, you will develop a reputation as an unreliable 'flake.'

Why Do We Need Manners?

Manners make the world go 'round. They are to the smooth functioning of society as oil is to an engine.

Without good manners, people get offended, hurt, and in extreme cases, very bad manners can lead to things such as the all-too-familiar public shootings, and even wars between countries when some official protocol is snubbed.

What Are Good Manners?

Most of us are taught from childhood how to be polite. We learn such things as saying "please," and "thank you" when asking for and receiving anything, from second helpings at dinner to birthday gifts, to borrowing a pencil from a co-worker.

Those are the two most basic manners; the kind you learn in kindergarten and before. But there are others:

• giving up your seat on a bus to the elderly
• holding open a door for anyone, but especially for someone who is struggling with packages, a baby stroller or young children,
• a handicapped person
• picking up something someone has dropped, and handing it back to them
• letting someone know their shoe is untied, so they don't trip, and so forth.

Those are the basic, every day manners we need out in public.

Whether alcohol and drug use is a factor or not, domestic violence and abuse is a very serious problem—for the victims and the abusers. Although studies seem to indicate some link between alcohol/drug misuse and domestic violence, others believe that they are two separate issues.

Domestic abuse is not so much about a "loss of control" as it is about total control. Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers and many have elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions.

All About Control

There are varying theories about what makes batterers abuse those closest to them. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe they are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars.3

Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers. Domestic abusers:

• Are controlling
• Are manipulative
• Believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship
• Often see themselves as victims2

Mate Retention Behaviors

For some abusers, violence is a tool to keep their intimate partner from leaving the relationship or keeping them from being unfaithful, even if it means physically forcing them to stay.

• Criticizing the child constantly
• Blaming the child for problems
• Talking down to the child and humiliating them
• Threatening to abandon the child or hurt them
• Failing to provide a safe and stable environment for the child
• Exposing the child to severe abuse or violence among family members
• Neglecting the child and showing no concern for them 

Child abuse can sometimes be hard to detect, making it hard for people to recognize it and help the child.5

Children who grow up in abusive or violent households may believe that it’s a normal way for family members to treat each other and in turn display abusive and violent tendencies in school or in intimate relationships as adults.6 

Impact of Mental Abuse

Being in abusive situation can cause you to:4

• Feel helpless and powerless
• Be scared and afraid of upsetting your abuser
• Feel guilty and ashamed
• Feel stressed and overwhelmed
• Feel useless and unwanted
• Lack confidence in yourself
• Feel used, manipulated, or controlled
• Question your reality and your memory of events
• Alter your behavior in order to keep the peace and avoid upsetting them

What Is Mental Abuse?

Mental abuse can be harder to recognize than physical abuse; however, it can be just as harmful and may lead to emotional scars and health issues.2 Furthermore, mental abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse, so it’s important to recognize it and get help as soon as possible.3

This article explores the different types of mental abuse, signs that someone is being abused, the impact of mental abuse, and some coping strategies that may be helpful for people who have been abused.

Types of Mental Abuse

These are some of the different types of mental abuse:1

• Bullying
• Intimidation
• Coercion
• Harassment
• Ridicule
• Humiliation 
• Controlling behaviors
• Gaslighting 
• Attempts to isolate the person from their friends or family
• Verbal displays of anger, such as yelling or swearing 

The nature of mental abuse can vary across different types of relationships. Intimate partner abuse and child abuse are among the most common.

Intimate Partner Abuse

These are some examples of what mental abuse by intimate partners can look like:4

• Wanting to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times
• Expecting you to report your activities and remain in constant contact
• Making decisions for you, often without consulting you
• Cutting you off from your friends and family
• Keeping you from going to school or work
• Discouraging you from going to the doctor or getting medical help
• Acting jealous or accusing you of being unfaithful
• Insulting you or calling you names
• Humiliating you in front of other people
• Treating you like a child
• Controlling your finances or monitoring how you spend money
• Getting angry and yelling or swearing at you
• Blaming you for their anger and outbursts
• Threatening you, or your friends, family members, or pets
• Deliberately frightening you
• Threatening to report you to the authorities, sometimes under false pretenses
• Threatening to harm themselves in an attempt to control you

Mental abuse by intimate partners can start suddenly and come as a surprise.4 For instance, abusers may initially be very attentive, pay you a lot of compliments, and shower you with love and attention. However, they may slowly start to control your life and become abusive. 

You may find yourself making excuses for their behavior, thinking it’s your fault, or feeling embarrassed or foolish for entering into a relationship with them. However, it’s important to remember that being abused is not your fault.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Although many people will urge you to "just leave" the relationship, especially if the abuse is escalating, you most likely know from experience that this is not an easy task. Aside from putting your personal safety at risk, you also are probably considering your children and your pets if you have them.

What's more, leaving an abuser is dangerous. After all, the abuser is losing control over you and the relationship and will often escalate the violence in order to make you stay. 

In fact, the likelihood of a person being seriously injured or killed while trying to leave increases exponentially.1 For this reason, you need to carefully plan how you will leave the relationship ensuring you have the strength, courage, and resources to make it happen.

Before You Leave

Leaving an abusive relationship for good takes planning and preparation. However, if the abuse or violence escalates before you have time to completely prepare, don't hesitate to get yourself to safety. 

You can always handle these details at a later date. The key is that you keep yourself safe and free of harm. If you have time to develop a safety plan, here are some things to consider.

Many people who have been victimized by abuse indicate that the emotional scars from the emotional abuse and verbal abuse are sometimes the hardest to overcome. For this reason, it's extremely important that you plan to take care of yourself emotionally. Here are some ways that you can protect your mental health.

Surround Yourself With Supportive People

When you're dealing with abuse, it's important to have one or two family members or friends that you can talk to, especially because abusive people often try to isolate those that they victimize. Ideally, the people you surround yourself with will be able to recognize the signs of abuse and offer wisdom and support. Also, make sure the people you confide in are willing to allow you to make your own choices at your own pace, instead of trying to fix your situation or rescue you.

Identify and Work Toward Goals

Although there are times when you will have to leave an abusive relationship without a plan, it's important to set some goals so that you can be on your own. This might mean learning new skills so that you can find a job. Or, it might mean taking classes. Whatever route you take, working toward becoming independent and self-supporting can be extremely empowering.

Find a Peaceful Place For Yourself

Dealing with abuse on a consistent basis can be overwhelming, stressful, and emotionally draining. Identify a place where you can go to relax and think. Some examples might include a park, the library, or a coffee shop. The key is that whatever place you choose, you are able to find some peace and unwind.

Practice Self-Care Consistently

If you're in an abusive relationship and thinking about leaving, it's important that you thoroughly think through how you will protect yourself from additional harm.

Depending on your situation, you might be considering leaving—or maybe you're already in the process of leaving. Maybe you haven't even considered the possibility of ending the relationship but you just want more information.

Whatever your current situation looks like, safety planning is a very personalized process. After all no two relationships are alike and you know the dynamics of the relationship better than anyone else.

Still, there are some basic points that you need to consider as you put your plan into place. Here is an overview of the key points you may want to consider.

What Is a Safety Plan?

In general, a safety plan is a personalized and practical plan on how to remain safe in an abusive relationship while preparing to leave when the timing is right and safe to do so.

If you're in an abusive relationship and thinking about leaving, it's important that you thoroughly think through how you will protect yourself from additional harm.

Depending on your situation, you might be considering leaving—or maybe you're already in the process of leaving. Maybe you haven't even considered the possibility of ending the relationship but you just want more information.

Whatever your current situation looks like, safety planning is a very personalized process. After all no two relationships are alike and you know the dynamics of the relationship better than anyone else.

Still, there are some basic points that you need to consider as you put your plan into place. Here is an overview of the key points you may want to consider.

What Is a Safety Plan?

In general, a safety plan is a personalized and practical plan on how to remain safe in an abusive relationship while preparing to leave when the timing is right and safe to do so.

Good listening skills are vital to healthy relationships. Whether you're strengthening a relationship, resolving a conflict, or offering support to a friend facing a crisis, good listening skills can be a lifeline to peace. Learn how to be a truly supportive listener, and you may find yourself surrounded by others who are able to do the same.

Here are some important steps to developing good listening skills:

Here's How

1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations, and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give unsolicited advice, and just let them get it out.
2. Reframe What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like you’re feeling hurt.”
3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what they’re feeling and why. Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.
4. Keep the Focus on Them. Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.

1. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice at the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, they’re likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feel heard.

Tips

1. Stay Present. Sometimes people feign listening, but they’re really just waiting for their friend to stop talking so they can say whatever they’ve been mentally rehearsing while they’ve been pretending to listen. People can usually sense this, and it doesn’t feel good. Also, they tend to miss what’s being said because they’re not focused.
2. Don’t Give Advice. I've mentioned this a few times already, but it's important because unsolicited advice can actually create stress. It’s common to want to immediately give advice and ‘fix’ your friend’s problem. Unless it's specifically requested, don’t. While you’re trying to help, what would work for you might not work for your friend; also, advice can feel condescending. Unless they ask directly for advice, your friend probably just wants to feel heard and understood, and then find their own solutions.
3. Trust the Process. It might feel a little scary to listen to feelings before diving into solutions, and hearing your friend talk about upset feelings might even make you feel helpless. But usually offering a supportive ear and sitting with your friend in an uncomfortable place is the most helpful thing you can do, and once the feelings are cleared out, the solutions can start coming.
4. Let Things Even out Over Time. With all this focus on your friend’s problems, it might be difficult not to focus equal time on your own. Relax in the knowledge that, when you need a friend, your friend will likely be a better listener for you. If you’re consistently doing all the giving, you can re-evaluate the dynamics of the relationship. But being a good listener can make you a stronger, more caring person and bring a more supportive angle to your relationships.

Eye contact anxiety can interfere with everyday social interactions. By the same token, the ability to maintain good eye contact is an important aspect of social interaction. People who look others in the eye are perceived as friendly and welcoming. However, many shy and socially anxious people have difficulty with this part of communication. 

What Is Eye Contact Anxiety?

Eye contact anxiety refers to the discomfort a person feels when looking at someone directly in the eyes. A person with eye contact anxiety may avoid making eye contact when talking to someone. If they do make eye contact, they may feel like they are being judged or scrutinized.

Why People Avoid Eye Contact

People have eye contact anxiety for many reasons. For those without a diagnosed mental health condition, avoidance of eye contact could be related to shyness or a lack of confidence. Looking someone in the eye while speaking can feel uncomfortable for those without a lot of practice making conversation or who tend to prefer not being in the spotlight.

Eye Contact and Social Anxiety Disorder

Often, people with social anxiety disorder (SAD) describe looking someone in the eyes as anxiety-provoking and uncomfortable. This is likely due, in part, to genetic wiring.

Eye Contact and Autism

Research on autism shows that autistic people are hypersensitive to eye contact such that their brains show higher than normal activity in the pathways that process expressions on people's faces. This means that they may avoid eye contact because it can cause extreme discomfort and even pain.3

Conflict in a relationship is virtually inevitable. In itself, conflict isn’t a problem; how it’s handled, however, can bring people together or tear them apart. Poor communication skills, disagreements, and misunderstandings can be a source of anger and distance or a springboard to a stronger relationship and a happier future.

What Is Healthy Communication?

Healthy communication is the effective exchange of thoughts and feelings between people. It often involves people taking turns speaking and listening. Ideally, when you engage in healthy communication, the people involved are devoted to the exchange. Both people are aware of how they are acting during the conversation.

For instance, if you are the speaker, you might be making eye contact or using your body language to express that you are present and engaged. If you are the listener, you are open to hearing what the speaker is saying and not cutting them off from finishing a sentence or focusing your attention on what you're going to say next.1

The Importance of Healthy Communication

Healthy communication is crucial for sustaining long-term relationships. One study found that effective communication increased relationship satisfaction for couples.2 Healthy communication can increase intimacy in relationships as well.

The way you and your partner communicate with each other often determines how you resolve conflicts. If you use healthy methods of communicating, you are likely to find common ground even during a disagreement. This can help strengthen your relationship over time.

Lying and deception are common human behaviors. Until relatively recently, there has been little actual research into just how often people lie. A 2004 Reader's Digest poll found that as many as 96% of people admit to lying at least sometimes.

One national study published in 2009 surveyed 1,000 U.S. adults and found that 60% of respondents claimed that they did not lie at all. Instead, the researchers found that about half of all lies were told by just 5% of all the subjects.2 The study suggests that while prevalence rates may vary, there likely exists a small group of very prolific liars.

The reality is that most people will probably lie from time to time. Some of these lies are little white lies intended to protect someone else’s feelings (“No, that shirt does not make you look fat!”). In other cases, these lies can be much more serious (like lying on a resume) or even sinister (covering up a crime).​

Lying Can Be Hard to Detect

People are surprisingly bad at detecting lies. One study, for example, found that people were only able to accurately detect lying 54% of the time in a lab setting—hardly impressive when factoring in a 50% detection rate by pure chance alone.3

Clearly, behavioral differences between honest and lying individuals are difficult to discriminate and measure. Researchers have attempted to uncover different ways of detecting lies. While there may not be a simple, tell-tale sign that someone is dishonest (like Pinocchio’s nose), researchers have found a few helpful indicators.​

When you decide to approach your partner about the manipulation in your relationship, it is important to have a plan for how this conversation will go. When you confront someone who is manipulating you, there is the risk that they will continue to use the same tactics to try to manipulate you further.

They may respond to this conversation by acting defensive, trying to guilt you into just letting it go, or blaming you for the problems in your relationship. Using some of the following strategies may help this conversation go more smoothly:

• Be prepared: Before you talk to your partner, list some of the specific ways that you have been manipulated. Concrete examples make it more difficult for the other person to deny the problem.
• Use "I" statements: Avoid critical or blaming language that is sure to put your partner on the defense. Instead, focus on framing your conversation in terms of "I" statements that discuss your feelings and how you've been affected by these problems.15
• Listen to your partner: Give your partner the ability to share what they are feeling, but stay objective and don't let them minimize the problem. If your partner is willing to listen to your perspective and discuss ways to change your interactions, consider it an opportunity to mend the relationship and move forward in a healthier way.

A Word From Verywell

Manipulation might seem like an easy or "natural" way to deal with a difficult issue or to get things to go the way you want them to, but it is hurtful and damaging to your relationships. You and your loved ones deserve honest and loving communication.

If you are experiencing manipulation in a relationship, take steps to address the behavior before it becomes worse. Discuss the problem with the other person, establish clear boundaries, and be willing to walk away if they are not willing to change.

Manipulation and other forms of emotional abuse that you do not have to tolerate or accept from a romantic partner—or anyone else in your life. It is important to understand that manipulation is a form of emotional blackmail and learn how to respond.

Don't Minimize Manipulation

It might take a while to recognize emotional manipulation, but when you do, don't act as if it isn't a big deal. Emotional manipulation needs to be addressed, whether you are the target or the perpetrator.

Consider having an honest and direct conversation with your partner to address the manipulation. If you are being manipulated, you might name specific examples of their behavior and how it affects you. Be specific in describing the forms of manipulation and your feelings in response to them.

For instance, you might say, "When you shut down in response to my saying something that you disagree with, I feel sad and discouraged. I'd like to feel connected with you; is this something you are open to talking about?" or "When you tell me that I said something I didn't say, I feel confused and frustrated. Can we have an honest talk about what is happening?"

It's important to follow your gut instinct when it comes to recognizing emotional manipulation. If someone consistently makes you feel emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, or doubtful of your own needs, thoughts, and feelings, it is likely emotional manipulation may be present in the relationship.

You might recognize the signs of emotional manipulation if your partner uses one or more of the following strategies.

Gaslighting

A person who is gaslighting you may lie to you, blame you for things, and minimize what you're feeling. They might say, "You're crazy," or "You're too sensitive." Someone who is gaslighting you tries to make you feel that you aren't worthy of expressing yourself and that your feelings and emotions are not real or valid. People gaslight in order to deny any wrongdoing on their part and to assert control over what you think and what you do.8

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

As opposed to using direct communication, a person who behaves passive-aggressively doesn't express how they're really feeling. Your partner might use avoidance tactics, such as actively dodging you or dodging the discussion of certain topics.10 Sarcasm can be another sign of passive-aggressive communication. 

People who manipulate use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.

Someone who manipulates you knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you.1 If the person doing the manipulation is getting what they want from you, the manipulation will continue until you decide it has to stop and actively and intentionally put an end to it. This can be challenging and you are encouraged to seek support during this process, especially if you are interacting with a chronically manipulative person.

Recognizing manipulation in your own relationship can be difficult because it might have started out subtle. Over time, manipulative behavior in relationships can become the everyday dynamic with your partner.

This article covers how to recognize the signs of emotional manipulation and how to respond to manipulative behavior in relationships.

What Is Manipulation?

Manipulation is a tactic someone uses in order to gain control over another person, usually in an attempt to get what they want, and often at the other person's expense.2

The first step in dealing with verbal abuse is to recognize the abuse. If you were able to identify any type of verbal abuse in your relationship, it's important to acknowledge that first and foremost.

By being honest about what you are experiencing, you can begin to take steps to gain back control. While you need to consider your individual situation and circumstances, these tips can help if you find yourself in a verbally abusive relationship.

Set Boundaries

Firmly tell the verbally abusive person that they may no longer criticize, judge or shame you, name-call, threaten you, and so on. Then, tell them what will happen if they continue this abusive behavior.

For instance, tell them that if they scream or swear at you, the conversation will be over and you will leave the room. The key is to follow through; don't set boundaries you have no intention of keeping.

Limit Exposures

If possible, take time away from the verbally abusive person and spend time with people who love and support you. Limiting exposure with the person can give you space to reevaluate your relationship. Surrounding yourself with a network of friends and family will help you feel less lonely and isolated and remind you of what a healthy relationship should look like.

When someone is being verbally abused, the person attacking them may use overt forms of abuse like engaging in name-calling and making threats, but also more insidious methods like gaslighting or constantly correcting, interrupting, putting down, and demeaning them.

Even prolonged silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse. When this happens, the person is attempting to control and punish the victim by refusing to talk to them.

For some people, especially those who either experience verbal abuse in the home or experienced it as a child, it can often be overlooked because the verbal assaults feel like a normal way to communicate. But they are anything but normal and can have lasting consequences.

Verbal abuse can take a number of different forms, including:

• Blaming: Making the victim believe they are responsible for the abusive behavior or that they bring the verbal abuse upon themselves3
• Criticism: Harsh and persistent remarks that are meant to make the person feel bad about themselves and are not constructive, but deliberate and hurtful
• Gaslighting: A type of insidious, and sometimes covert, emotional abuse where the abuser makes the target question their judgments and reality4
• Judging: Looking down on the victim, not accepting them for who they are, or holding them to unrealistic expectations5
• Name-calling: Abusive, derogatory language, or insults that chip away at the target’s self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and self-concept
• Threats: Statements meant to frighten, control, and manipulate the victim into compliance2
• Withholding: A refusal to give affection or attention, including talking to you, looking at you, or even being in the same room with you6

While not an exhaustive list, these are several examples of the common types of verbal abuse that can occur.

What Is Verbal Abuse?

Most people assume that if they were being verbally abused they would know about it. After all, verbal abuse often involves yelling, put-downs, name-calling, and belittling behaviors. But there is so much more to verbal abuse than people realize. In fact, some people are verbally abused on a regular basis without even recognizing that it’s happening.1

It can occur in any type of relationship, such as romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, family relationships, and co-worker relationships.

Verbal abuse sometimes occurs in relationships before physical abuse; however, this is not always the case. Verbal abuse can exist without the presence of physical abuse. The effects of verbal abuse can be just as damaging as those of physical abuse.2

This article covers the verbal abuse definition, the signs and impact of verbal abuse, as well as how to seek help if you are coping with the effects of verbal abuse.