“But it turns out that people who are grounded and secure don’t change much under stress. That’s what being grounded means.” ~Michael Gruber

Feeling out of sorts, off-kilter, irritable, mentally and emotionally depleted can be signs that you’re not grounded. Although it’s normal to feel this way at times, when you do, you can work to stay grounded, rather than accept it as a way of being.

First, what does it mean to feel grounded? So how can we get back to ourselves in spite of what’s happening around us? Here are some ways:

1. Be in the Moment

Does your mind race as you dwell in the past or think about what’s to come? To be present, can feel unnatural. But as we teach ourselves to do so, we reduce stress and cope better with negative emotions.

One way to become more mindful is to focus on a task. Let’s say you are showering. You can think about how the warm water feels on your body. Notice the lovely smell of the soap. Listen to the drops hitting the side of the shower and taste the water in your mouth. Engage all your senses in the activity. You’ll notice that no other thoughts will be present; you’re savoring the moment.

Change is a certainty. You grow older every year and experience new phases of life—a career change, a big move, additions to your family. Anything new can be scary. Here are some ways to keep your mind focused on the bright side when coping with change.

1. Remember Your Blessings

When you’re feeling hopeless because of an unwanted change, think of the things that lift your spirits. What do you live for? Your family might be your answer, as could friends or hobbies. Think of every little thing you’re grateful for, from the relationships in your life to the comforts of home. Keeping your blessings in mind can help you weather any storm, no matter how difficult.

You might consider documenting your blessings in a gratitude journal. Writing can relieve some of your stress, and gratitude journaling helps with staying positive. There’s science behind this, too. Those who practice gratitude are shown to have better mental health than those who don’t. Remind yourself daily to appreciate all the good in your life.

2. Find a Reason to Smile

Even if it’s the tiniest, seemingly most insignificant thing, if it makes you smile, then it’s worth pursuing. Buy something online that makes you happy. Even an inanimate object like a new pair of shoes or a jigsaw puzzle can make you smile.

Look deeper into your life. Who makes you smile? Maybe it’s a comedian or a movie star, or perhaps it’s your partner or pet. Someone in your life makes you happy, so lean into him or her when times are tough. You can’t call celebrities or favorite authors, but you can watch a show or movie they star in or read a book they wrote to brighten your day.

Have you ever felt like there’s something more to life than what you’re doing? Like you were meant for something greater? I used to feel like that all the time, and although I’m still trying to figure out what it is, from my experience (through trial and error), I’ve found eight ways that can help you discover your true calling in life.

1. Question Everything

If someone comes up with an idea for your life, or if something occurs as a chance event, don’t accept it as the truth immediately. Question it first! For instance, someone says that you should become a doctor because you have a knack for science. Well, first, does this person actually know you? Moreover, if you really think being a doctor is best for you, then research the pros and cons before making your final decision. Remember to always question everything, and ask yourself, “Is this really for me?”

2. Don’t Be Afraid to Fail

There’s no such thing as failure to me. Instead, I think of it as only feedback. If you give something your all and it doesn’t work out, so what? You can learn from your mistakes and do better next time. If the opposite happens, i.e., everything goes exactly how you’ve planned then maybe you’re not pushing yourself hard enough. Perhaps you need to try something new that has more potential for success than what you’ve done in the past.

Just because something turns out well doesn’t mean that’s the way it’s always going to turn out. Likewise, just because something didn’t go your way doesn’t mean there isn’t a valuable lesson you can learn from that experience.

3. Be Open-Minded

As cliché as it sounds, you don’t even know what you’re capable of until you try it yourself, so be open to new challenges. If after trying something out, whether it’s taking an art class at your local community center or applying for a job at another company, you decide if it’s the right path for you. The advantage to being open to new things is that not only can it be fun, but you also gain self-knowledge on what you like, don’t like, and want out of life.

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5. PURPODES Five is linked to job satisfaction

A study of hospital service workers revealed that those who considered themselves just cleaning staff had less job satisfaction than those who considered themselves part of the team that helped heal patients. Thinking this way gave them more meaning in their work. 

6. PURPOSE Reduces sleep disturbances

People who have a strong sense of purpose reduce their odds of sleep disturbances by 16%. This is partly due to their setting and achieving meaningful goals, lowering stress in life. 

What gives you a sense of purpose in life? Maybe you can answer this question right away, or you might need to think about it. Typically, it’s something that gives life meaning and makes a positive contribution to others. We often derive our purpose from what our talents and skills are, what we feel passionate about and what we value. Pursuing our purpose can guide our choices, fuel our motivation, and give us clear direction in life. With a sense of purpose, we can inspire and educate others while we gain life satisfaction.

1. PURPOSE Increases Happiness

Scientific studies show that people without purpose in life are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, boredom and loneliness. Living by what we value and what gives us meaning makes us happier. 

2. PURPOSE Reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke

Studies show that purpose in life is linked to a lower risk of heart attack and stroke. One study of older adults found a 22% reduced stroke risk. Another study shows a 27% decrease in heart attack in individuals who have purpose in life. 

I already gave to your organization. It’s no trouble at all to feed your cat while you’re on vacation. We have plans that weekend. I won’t have time to stop by this afternoon.

That last one was said during a phone call with my dad, and generously speaking, I was stretching the truth. I had time. I just didn’t want to spend it stopping by my dad’s. When I noticed my son eyeing me suspiciously as I ended the call, I hastened to explain. “I want some downtime this afternoon,” I said, “and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.” My son was nonplussed and I was chastened. We think of so-called “little white lies” as harmless, but what about when our kids hear us tell them?

By the most conservative estimates, the average American adult lies at least once a day. Most of these lies are benign; they’re called “prosocial lies” by researchers because they smooth our interactions with others, making our lives easier and helping us avoid conflict. We tell them to avoid hurting someone’s feelings (I already have plans), to excuse our own behavior (I’m late because the traffic was terrible), and to make someone feel better (I can hardly see that pimple). Most of us don’t put these kinds of lies in the same category as lies that cause obvious harm to others or break laws. One survey found that the majority of adults don’t consider “white lies” to be lies at all.

So maybe you don’t think twice when your child hears you tell a friend that you love the gift they gave you, or the cashier at the movie theatre that your just-turned 13-year-old is 12. Maybe you’ve told your child they can’t have ice cream because you don’t have money with you, rather than open the door to an argument about sweets before dinner. But when kids hear adults lying, research suggests they’re more likely to lie themselves. A study done at the University of California, San Diego found that 5- to 7-year-olds who were first told a lie by an adult were both more likely to cheat and then more likely to lie about it afterward.

Lying lessons

When it comes to kids and lying, conventional wisdom has been that young children outgrow lying as they learn the difference between lying and telling the truth. But research — not to mention our own lie-telling behavior as adults — reveals otherwise.

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For instance:

• “Here’s the deal. Whatever you do, admit no mistakes, no matter what the evidence shows.”
• “When someone shows displeasure with me, I’ll make them pay, making it crystal clear that they will be punished for trying to show me up.”
• “If someone suggests I’m wrong, I’m not having it. I’ll deny any and all allegations against me.”
• “Instead, I’ll make others look and feel foolish for differing with me. Insults, names, accusations…I’ll use whatever tactic that will get them off my case.”
• “I can use moments of conflict to my advantage. In my anger, the goal is to create as much discomfort in that person as is necessary.”
• “Never, ever will I show vulnerability. That strategy gets me nowhere good.”
• “But, when possible, I’ll be glad to gather vulnerable data against others…you never know when that will come in handy.”

The confused inner child.
The pretender adult.

In my forty plus years as a therapist, I met many who carried those two people side by side within themselves. My goal was to help them find a third way, the way of growth and maturation. Those who were willing to come to terms with that inner battle would go on to build a solid foundation for personal and relational wholeness, and they would dismiss the pretender adult altogether.

They would focus on themes like:

• Acceptance toward oneself and toward others.
• A balanced manner of addressing conflicts, emphasizing assertiveness and civility.
• Empathy, becoming constructively invested in knowing what lies inside others.
• Honesty, trustworthiness, self-disclosure.
• Being safe, approachable, and kind.
• Leaning into the supremacy of love, peace, and humility.

I have learned that narcissists are so invested in the ingredients of selfishness, control, and manipulation that they are unable to grow. And in the meantime, that battle between the confused inner child and the pretender adult continues unabated. Actually, the two routinely merge into one.

Naturally, the narcissist does not see the problem of the two warring factions inside themselves. So that underscores the strong necessity for you to see it, so you can resolve not to become ensnared by the predictable fallout.

Narcissists carry significant psychopathology within themselves, yet they want you to believe they are the Standard Bearers for healthy living. Part of their pathology is the unwillingness or the inability to introspect. They honestly believe: “If I can project an outer appearance of confidence and certainty, I’m a winner.” Yet, inside the narcissist a battle is going on between two people: the confused inner child and the pretender adult. Let’s take a look at each.

Very early in life that inner child had all sorts of questions and issues that needed to be addressed but were not.

For instance, that inner child might wonder:

• “What do I have to do to be accepted?” They had many mixed messages regarding that issue that were not sufficiently sorted out.
• “When I make mistakes or if I’m clumsy, why do people feel so angry toward me?” Patient guidance was typically in short supply.
• “Whenever I try to explain my thoughts and feelings, my words are shot down. Why won’t people listen to what I am saying?” Often, they learned that questions are interpreted as intransigence.
• “I see others being praised for giving the right answers and for pleasing the authorities. How can I get in on that act?” And yet, time teaches that they cannot be pleasing enough.
• “Telling the truth about my confusion just gets me in deeper trouble, so why would I do that?” Self-disclosure seems too risky.
• “It’s okay when adults are crazy-angry, but not when I am that way.” Those double standards are never going to work in the child’s favor.
• “There are lots of things about emotions and relationship skills I need to learn, but why won’t anyone talk reasonably about all that?” Lifestyle tutoring focused on rules.

As that confused child drew closer to adulthood, it would have been ideal to sift out those and other questions for the purpose of building a mature foundation, but that is not common. And it was especially not common with the budding narcissist. Instead, that confused child learns to put on a false front of pretense.

In the adult years, that confused child remains inside, but the pretender adult tries to ignore what that child needs. Instead, all sorts of unhealthy patterns emerge.

Even in the best of relationships, conflicts and disagreements happen. When the individuals involved are balanced and emotionally mature, they clearly express their thoughts, feelings, and needs. They listen and show respect. And they make every effort to manage potential strains with an eye toward harmony and reasonable coordination. Healthy people are assertive, which by definition means they stand up for convictions while simultaneously maintaining civility. They feel no need to play games of one-upmanship…mutual regard is in full play.

Now shift gears. Does that sound like the way conflicts and disagreements occur when one of the participants is a narcissist? By definition, narcissists are quite self-centered, controlling, defensive, manipulative, non-empathetic, and competitive. Whatever thoughts, feelings, and needs you express in a disagreement are not only not respected, they are summarily dismissed. What is worse, narcissists will often react with anger that rises to the level of abusiveness.

Narcissists are absurdly thin-skinned. They work so hard to project and sustain an ideal image that when you suggest they are flawed or that adjustments are in order, they respond, not as a mature team member, but as a victim, or more specifically, The Victim. Their mindset could be summarized with: “How dare you differ from me or suggest I should change. Look at how miserable you’re making me feel right now!” Then, as the conflict remains, they predictably think: “Game on!”

Even when tensions are relatively minor, the narcissist’s capacity for reason and logic is quickly lost as their impetuous emotions override your attempts to be objective. Inevitably they resort to childish tantrums, pouting, or stubbornness. Emotional maturity is not their strong suit.

In your attempts to be assertive, you can have multiple valid goals in mind. For instance:

• You wish to be direct and unambiguous about your thoughts and feelings.
• Even so, you also want to steer the conversation toward peak coordination.
• You understand that variety is built into personalities, so you want to make room for a wide array of desires or interpretations.
• In assertiveness, you indicate that you do not wish to be relegated to the role of insignificance or enablement, but as one whose opinions matter.
• Sometimes you just need to remind the other person of your distinctions.

But despite the validity of your intentions, when you are in conflict with a narcissist, there are risks. Unwilling or unable to accept you at face value, they instead project their own unfinished business onto you, and it can become ugly quickly. It is essential for you to know that even when narcissists label you as the problem, they are misguided. They are a walking time bomb, and their inappropriate behaviors would emerge with anyone else who differs. The narcissist’s anger is not about you.

Each person has a set of codes to guide them through relationships. This includes your family relations, work settings, social circles, organizations, and beyond. Those codes are not always fixed in concrete since many variables are involved. For instance, cultures differ in codes regarding how to dress or how leisure time is prioritized. Families have differing codes related to holidays or social gatherings. Religious groups have codes that direct a broad array of decisions, as do social groups, political parties, places of business, and educational institutions. These situations require code switching.

Part of a mature approach to life is respecting the differences of each other’s codes, and when appropriate, setting aside one’s own practices in deference to another’s. In other words, sometimes we need to practice code switching for the purpose of honor and harmony. For instance, when visiting a foreign country, it is wise to know what is and is not normal, according to their prevailing codes. Or when sharing in a friend’s family traditions, it is good to respect their trends as a display of solidarity.

In the best-case scenario, we can practice code switching as a display of empathy. As we understand others from their unique vantage point, we can adjust in ways that increase experiences of good will. Code switching, managed well, implies adaptability.

Narcissists practice code switching often, but not for harmonizing purposes and not with good will in mind. With nefarious intentions, they will give the appearance of blending with the codes of others, when actually they are chameleons trying to create an impression that will give them a manipulative advantage.

Some examples of code switching:

• Reading the people in front of them, they pretend to have the same convictions, practices, priorities, and preferences…when in fact it is just a ruse. It is merely an attempt to appear desirable, and it is phony.
• They are constantly positioning for favored treatment. “If I say and do the right thing,” so the reasoning goes, “I get what I want.” They dupe people into assuming they are trustworthy, when in fact they are on an exploitative mission.
• While trying to appear collegial, they are actually being robotic and dishonest. They are quite willing to set aside the real self in order to gain power or to find an inroad. It is analogous to the wolf wearing sheep’s clothing.
• Authenticity is missing. Beneath the seemingly agreeable surface are thoughts of ridicule and feelings of disdain.
• Their code switching is little more than an attempt to gain a controlling advantage.
• Though they would deny it, relationship success is reduced to creating a superficiality that is carefully measured.

At the base of narcissistic code switching is an effort to exploit you by creating an illusion of pseudo cohesion. The narcissist wishes to give the impression of bonding, when in fact it is a game of smoke and mirrors.

continued. . . 

Use Chalk on Your Laundry

We’re all aware that grease stains are among the most difficult to remove off clothing. However, there is a low-cost way to keep your clothes stain-free. To remove oil stains from clothing, use chalk.

Scrub the grease stain with chalk. Allow the chalk to soak up the grease from the fabric before brushing it away, then wash it as usual.

Clean Your Cheese Grater with Potato

There is no disputing that cheese graters are tough to clean, and it can take up a lot of time. However, you can use a potato to clean your grater.After shredding the cheese, shred an uncooked potato. It will remove the sticky cheese from the grater’s holes, allowing you to use the shredded potato in a variety of recipes.

Use Toothpaste on Old Sneakers

All you’ll need to clean dirty white shoes is an old toothbrush and some toothpaste. Squeeze the toothpaste onto the brush and apply it to the stain in a circular motion.

continued. . .

Clean Your Oven in Your Sleep

Did you know you can clean your oven and microwave while sleeping? First make a mixture of sodium bicarbonate and water. Then, smudge the magic paste all over the inside of your microwave or oven. Make sure you get every nook and cranny and leave it overnight.

For a gleaming, clean surface, rub the paste off with regular white vinegar.

Use Shaving Cream to Clean Your Shower Glass

Shaving cream can be used to get rid of water stains. Apply some to the dirty surface and leave it there for fifteen minutes. Wipe it clean with a cloth after the timer goes off.

The end effect will be a beautifully clean, water-stain-free shower glass. If you’re out of Windex and have company coming over, consider this last-minute solution.

continued. . . 

Clean Grout With Toilet Bowl Cleaner

The grouts between the floor tiles get dirty or grow fungus. There’s a quick way to clean and brighten these up with a common household item. Apply toilet bowl cleaner to the grout in question and let it sit for about 15 minutes.

Then gently scrub it off with a small cleaning brush or an old toothbrush. In the last step, mop the area with warm water and let it dry.

Clean Your Toilet with Coke

Did you know that Coke has many other uses aside from being delicious? It works wonders on ceramic artifacts like the ones there are in the bathroom.

Go ahead and pour a small bottle of Coke into the toilet bowl and leave it there for about an hour. Then simply flush it away, and your toilet will be sparkling clean!

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Wax Paper for Stainless Steel

Water marks and dust build up on our stainless steel faucets, making them appear unclean. Also, conventional wipes leave marks and don’t perform very well. All you will need is regular wax paper.

Go ahead and wet the faucet with warm water, then use a piece of wax paper to polish it down by folding it into a little square.

Clean Your Oven Door With A Dishwasher Cleaning Tablet

A quick way to clean all the grease and grime accumulated over the years in your oven door is with a dishwasher tablet.

First, make sure you put rubber gloves on to protect your hands from harmful chemicals since dishwasher tablets contain bleach. Soak the tablet in warm water and scrub to remove the grot. Using a damp towel, wipe away the residue.

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Get Stains Out Of Your Tupperware

Leftover Bolognese sauce will leave a bothersome stain on your Tupperware, making it appear filthy even after you have cleaned it completely! There’s something about tomato sauce and spices like turmeric that leave their imprint on everything they touch.

Simply pour sugar, dishwashing soap, ice, and water inside the stained container and let it sit for a few minutes. You’ll be shocked at how well this mixture removes even the toughest stains from your Tupperware!

Use A Squeegee To Clean Your Carpets

The vacuum cleaner is the standard carpet cleaner, but some people swear by this dollar store hack. A regular squeegee can pull pet hair out of the carpet easily thanks to its rubbery part!

This went viral on the internet, and there are people who have had wonderful results using this method instead of the vacuum cleaner. Even if it takes a little longer, scraping your squeegee across the floor is well worth the time.

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Remove Stains with Black Tea

Cleaning windows and mirrors can be deceivingly difficult. With swipe marks and white swooshes that never seem to come off, they end up appearing dirtier than before.

Clean Cast Iron with Salt

There is a failsafe method for cleaning cast iron cookware that, while time-consuming, is incredibly successful and uses items you probably already have on hand.

Cleaning blinds is one of those duties we attempt to ignore until we can’t stand looking at them any longer.