Being labeled codependent does NOT help victims of lies, infidelity and abuse to get to safety. In fact, for a lot of women, being labeled a codependent is traumatizing in and of itself. For example, for a woman who just found out about their husband’s compulsive sexual behavior, after years of not knowing anything about it, it feels like a huge, heavy, dangerous, dark weight just thrust upon your shoulders – and now you have to do something about it or it won’t stop. It erroneously puts the responsibility of saving family on her shoulders – rather than on the shoulders of the perpetrator. He is the only one who can save the family by changing his thoughts, attitudes, words and behaviors. Imagine being referred to as a co-murderer? That little co prefix to some of us implies that we are cooperating or collaborating or connection to this thing that we don’t want anything to do with – it can really be damaging and overwhelming.
People Who Don’t Understand Betrayal Trauma Can Hinder Your Ability To Be Safe By Labeling You Codependent
Being labeled codependent does NOT help victims of lies, infidelity and abuse to get to safety. In fact, for a lot of women, being labeled a codependent is traumatizing in and of itself. For example, for a woman who just found out about their husband’s compulsive sexual behavior, after years of not knowing anything about it, it feels like a huge, heavy, dangerous, dark weight just thrust upon your shoulders – and now you have to do something about it or it won’t stop. It erroneously puts the responsibility of saving family on her shoulders – rather than on the shoulders of the perpetrator. He is the only one who can save the family by changing his thoughts, attitudes, words and behaviors. Imagine being referred to as a co-murderer? That little co prefix to some of us implies that we are cooperating or collaborating or connection to this thing that we don’t want anything to do with – it can really be damaging and overwhelming.
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Objectively Evaluate The Coping Skills You’ve Used To Survive So Far
You cannot enable an abuser. They abuse you or they don’t, but their actions are totally their responsibility. Most victims of lies, infidelity, and abuse create coping mechanisms to survive. In survival mode, it’s difficult to think creatively. That’s part of the abuse – keeping you so confused and in pain that you don’t think through your options. Not being able to figure out reality or set boundaries are typical in abuse victims because their reality is being twisted by their abuser. Abuse victims often use coping skills to survive the abuse that are often labeled by therapists and clergy who don’t understand abuse as codpendent. You’re not codependent if you remain silent for fear that you will be punched if you speak up. You are afraid. Identify what you are doing to cope with the lies, infidelity, and abuse. Then you can see if those coping mechanisms provide safety or keep you stuck. Understand Your MotivationIt’s totally normal for victims of lies, porn use, infidelity, and abuse to develop behaviors in an attempt to establish some safety in your life. Asking a lot of questions, following up with your husband to find out where he was, tracking his phone, checking his phone. Victims are on hyper-alter to attempt to feel some semblance of safety. Most therapists and clergy get sucked into the abusers way of thinking – that these behaviors are harmful to the abuser and must stop for the abuser to feel safe. However, knowing that actions like these are a natural, normal response will help you find your voice and to really establish the peace and safety you deserve.
Learn About Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal Trauma happens when a woman finds out she’s been repeatedly lied to, cheating on, and abused. Realizing you’re in this situation is a process. Most people don’t realize that abuse victims generally don’t know they are being abused, and when they find out, it’s shocking. The trauma that comes from realizing your life is nothing like what you thought it was is part of Betrayal Trauma. Learn more - https://www.btr.org/ Codependent is defined as a person who enables someone else's lies, porn use, infidelity or abuse – and the label codependent carries with it the implication that the victim is is some way responsible for the crimes against her. However, therapists and clergy often misuse this term to keep victims of abuse in the abuse cycle. In order to get out, here are 10 Ways To Stop Being Codependent.
1. Don’t Mislabel Yourself The most effective way to stop being codependent is simply to realize that you aren’t. Your behaviors are likely a way to attempt to establish safety while being victimized by someone. Usually so-called codependent behaviors don’t show up before someone is victimized. Don’t take responsibility for your abusers actions by twisting reality to somehow make his actions your fault. It doesn’t matter what you did or do, he is responsible for his own actions. You do not have the power to control someone else. Spiritual people take time to savor life experiences.
Individuals who value spirituality take the time to reflect on their daily activities and ultimately build lasting memories of their experiences. Because spiritual people are more conscious of small, daily activities, they experience positive emotions associated with the smaller pleasures in life. They take the time to realize the importance and value of the small things. The quite of the night, the stars, a smile from a stranger, the coo of a baby and the tender words from another are noticed and appreciated. They also find pleasure in being kind and giving to others. Spiritual people self-actualize.
Spiritual individuals strive toward a better life and consider personal growth and fulfillment as a central goal. Spirituality can be considered to be a path toward self-actualization, because it requires people to focus on their internal values and work on becoming a better individual. They are able to realize that others have value and that others must be treated with dignity and love. Spiritual people are compassionate.
Experiencing compassion toward others is one the strongest correlates with living a spiritual life. A variety of positive or pro-social emotions have strong links with spirituality , including allowing one to feel good about the little things in life and look at the world through empathetic eyes. They live one day at a time, living in the present. Spiritual people flourish. Spirituality is linked to many important aspects of human functioning--spiritual people have positive relationships, high self-esteem, are hopeful, and have meaning and purpose in life. Spiritual people are gracious.
Psychology has demonstrated that expressing gratitude is associated with many positive emotions such as optimism, being generous with time and resources, and overall vitality. Spirituality encourages people to be positive, which may be expressed in many of these life practices. Much joy and happiness can be expressed through gratitude, enjoying what you have as opposed to what you have not. Begin each morning meditating on the things for which you are thankful. Spirituality as a part of life
Spiritual people are gracious, optimistic, compassionate, and self-actualized. Spiritualism--a search for something sacred--is an increasingly important topic to people today. In a recent study we conducted in my lab, using the data we collected on BeyondThePurchase.org, we investigated the personal and societal benefits of spiritualism by examining participants' responses to over 30 surveys. A spiritual community can improve your life. Many spiritual traditions encourage participation in a community. Spiritual fellowship, such as attending church, can be sources of social support which may provide a sense of belonging, security, and community. |
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