continued. . .
The Real Truth – You Don’t Matter – And You Need To
Of course, initially when we realize we don’t matter – and that we weren’t loved and the relationship we endured with this person was because of this – it can feel intensely personal. We are shocked when we are treated without consideration and discarded or replaced, or even maliciously abused.
The truth is we either outlived our usefulness or the narcissist is now trying to hurt us horribly to get reactions that make him or her still get narcissistic supply.
The real truth is we didn’t matter, because the narcissist is not ‘matter’. They are a False Self, that is not real. Nothing matters other than the False Self. He or she is not capable of internally mattering or this mattering in others.
Now here is the clincher and our incredible soul lesson in this: we need to matter to ourselves, regardless of whether we matter to a specific other.
If you get this, really get this, I want you to write below: ‘From today forward I MATTER to ME!’
If we try to get ‘us’ from False Sources, that is from anyone who is not ‘us’, then we are in very hot water. Wrong Town, in fact. Where the people we cling to and get hurt by are the people who are really reflecting back to us our own inner disconnection, divorcing and lack of self-partnering.
I promise you with all my heart, when you let go of the narcissist and turn inwards to face and heal your wounds of not feeling like you matter between you and you, and Source/Life/God and others, then you will never accept a relationship like this again. Rather, you will generate real, healthy relationships with people who do have the resources to matter to themselves and recognize that others matter also. And you will easily let go of people who you realize just don’t have these resources.
I want you to understand the total truth that can help us wake up – we cling to people who hurt us when they are not providing us with what we haven’t yet healed.
So, as the full circle with this Thriver TV episode, which all of mine really are, this is not actually about the narcissist hurting you – this is a given, that’s just what narcissists do. This is REALLY about your turning away from them and turning inwards to heal you so that you can stop being stuck in this pattern of hurting yourself.
Do you realize that as much as the narcissist is punishing you for not granting the perfect, ever-constant, narcissistic supply, you are holding the narcissist responsible for not giving you healthy love and inner solidness and peace? The insanity has got to stop. The narcissist is not going to take self-responsibility, but you can.
CONTINUED. . .
The Dark Side of the False Self
When there is only a False Self, there is no True Self taken into account. Then there is no True Self recognition in others outside of oneself either.
The False Self is the only entity – and it is all about the False Self.
This is why a narcissist doesn’t care about how it affects you when playing with you like a cat with a mouse. ‘I’ll throw you away, then I’ll reel you back in – because if I get your tears, apologies, attention, and even anger, it feeds my ego and makes me know that I am significant enough to affect another person in this way.’
You will be pathologically smeared to others because it’s great fodder to get sympathy off people. If you lose face with family, friends or colleagues, or lose your job over it, so be it.
The narcissist may be toggling you with other lovers or stealing your resources and contacts behind your back. According to the narcissist, this is all fair game.
This is the product of the dire ‘separation’ illusion of narcissism and the False Self – which is the most dangerous fracture in all of humanity – not realizing that at the Quantum level everything and everyone is interconnected.
Look at what our world does, as per its arrogance with our entire eco systems. It’s the same thing. The ego believes that it is all that exists and there is nothing and nobody else who should be worthy of consideration – as long as the ego is fed.
This is an insatiable black hole, just like the literal one in space, which sucks neighboring celestial bodies up whole and then keeps going – because it is never ‘filled up’. The truth is there is nothing there to fill.
The terrible fate for the narcissist is the same: I’m going to be alone, no matter what, because I destroy everyone I am with, and even if I don’t I can never connect to care for and love them anyway. They are simply an object to serve my False Self, which can never achieve wholeness and peace.
continued. . . .
The Divorcing From Humanity Within the Narcissist
When we ask ourselves ‘How are people capable of that?’, what we need to understand is that their connection to humanity, internally, has been disowned.
Our Inner Being is our connection to everything – ourselves, Source/Life/God and others. I believe that this is the holy trinity; that it is essential for us to realize this if we are to be an integrated and holistically connected to The Field Being. It must all start through ‘Self’ first.
If we are divorced from Self, as narcissists are, having buried their True Selves deep within, then we are doing what everyone does… Only being capable of relationships at the level of relationship we have with Self. We all see in others what we see in Self. We love others at the level that we love ourselves.
How much self-rejection and self-abandonment is there within a narcissist who declares, ‘I will not be me. I need to be a fictitious character instead.’?
How do narcissists see others? As fake. As people who are also in it for themselves, who are ‘objects’ – just as the narcissist’s False Self is – trying to manipulate people to get a slice of the good stuff.
To the narcissist, you are an object who requires controlling in case you get control of him or her.
The narcissist has no comprehension of your soul, and realness and feelings, any more than they do of their own.
People believe that narcissists get malicious delight out of shredding people’s souls, but I don’t really believe this is the case. They punish you for not helping them feel better. They don’t really think that you are capable of such hurt, and this is because when hurting, they have very little awareness of any self-love, self-soothing or self-care for themselves. Narcissists have severely stunted, or non-existent, empathy.
They just try to get up and go again by grabbing the next hit of narcissistic supply, significance, or an addiction to self-medicate – anything they can get hold of.
Sentimentality and emotional hurt, compassion, sensitivity, and remorse are not emotions that narcissists can understand, let alone access.
The truth is that narcissists have zero comprehension of what they have done to you, and firmly believe they are the victim that you have treated terribly.
CONTINUED. . .
A Narcissist’s Brutal Dumping
For those suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there is a very disordered, delicate emotional balancing act going on. The inner True Self is damaged and disowned and is constantly bubbling up to the surface with feelings of ‘I am defective. I don’t belong. People don’t accept me, aren’t to be trusted, and will hurt me if I don’t get one up over them.’
This creates a state of constant anxiety, hyper vigilance and the activation of internal survival programs. Because the true Inner Self is too damaged to generate a solid and healthy ‘self-identity’, the False Self is constantly in need of hits of self-medication. This is to try to feed the narcissist with energy to offset the inner self-damnation that is always threatening to engulf him or her.
This is ‘narcissistic supply’, and the ego is very exacting about what the quality of this needs to be. It needs to provide ‘Look at me. I am significant’.
It is such a small window of ‘correct attention’ that if you don’t supply the feedback that provides the narcissists with ‘entitlement above all others’, as well as acclaim, praise, recognition and the fawning that the narcissist’s ego may demand, then you will be punished.
Because a narcissist is not taking responsibility to do what is necessary for emotional trauma recovery – turn inwards to heal their inner wounds causing their dysfunction – they truly believe that the triggers going off within them are your fault. You are an extension of their ego – a tool with which they self-medicate, to try to save themselves from their own inner annihilation.
If this isn’t done adequately – which of course is an impossible job – then the narcissist’s erupting inner wounds will be your fault. He or she will tear into you without conscience, with the full brunt of the anger and trauma that he or she is presently experiencing.
Letting off this spew of internal trauma onto you grants the narcissist some temporary relief. But, of course, because nothing is ever resolved internally the same trauma and behavior keeps coming back.
There is another piece to this. The narcissist recruited you because he or she believed you were A-grade narcissistic supply. The narcissist’s False Self is childish and loves to indulge in fantasies. Something about you was so idealized and put onto a pedestal that the narcissist feels convinced that you being their drug will grant them the self-medication – the ego feed – to keep the inner demons at bay. Of course, when this started to wear off, as all mature relationships do in the real-life necessity of two people cooperating and doing a workable partnership together, the narcissist starts hating that you are not the durable, self-medication object that he or she assigned you as.
Then, inevitably, the narcissist will start devaluing you and blaming you. He or she will start sourcing newer, fresher ego supply elsewhere.
Naturally, at this point, you wonder where the ‘wonderful’, ‘adoring’ person went… That person wasn’t ever in love with you. He or she was merely getting off on the narcissistic supply that you were providing.
Narcissists hurt you… a LOT.
In ways that seem senseless, cruel, barbaric and insane.
Why do they ALL seem to do this without any sense of remorse for the damage they cause?
We know narcissists are self-absorbed and lack a conscience, but what is really going on for them to be able to do to people the things that they DO?
Hurt People Hurt People
You may have heard the expression ‘hurt people hurt people’ and think ‘that’s no excuse – there are people who are hurt who don’t treat people like that!’
I get that and I understand it. There are great people despite what happened to them, and there are people who are damaged and emotionally stunted, who do what they do. And they do this because of their model of the world, which they have established due to being traumatised.
There are two things I really do know, as a result of my own personal evolution. When I am in my most solid and whole place, even under stress, I am in the best possible position to treat others with kindness, love and respect, and…
When I am emotionally triggered and not well within, this is when I am the most likely to not be a particularly nice human being.
A person’s belief systems and emotional stability within, I believe, are the true gauge as to what they may or may not be capable of at their worst. Most of us can’t imagine being able to go to the pathological or malicious lengths that narcissists can. We simply aren’t capable of it.
However, when we were under siege in narcissistic relationships, and having our souls shredded, most of us said and did some things that we are certainly not proud of. It’s not just true that hurt people hurt people, it’s also very true that when you are around sick people, who are not taking any responsibility to face and heal their own inner demons, you don’t just hurt, you also get sick.
In regard to abusive people – I adore what Neale Donald Walsch says, ‘What is it within you that hurts so much that you need to hurt me?’
That question is the essence of what today’s discussion is really about.
TO BE CONTINUED. . .
Continued. . .
Now I’m going to get to the ‘everything happens for a reason’ part. And this is crucially important because if we don’t believe everything happens for a reason, then we remain a victim.
Being a victim creates powerlessness.
Why? Because we are choosing to believe that life is non-sensical, random and cruel, and we are powerless in a threatening version of life. In fact we feel so powerless that we have to wait for external situations to fix the way we feel about life and ourselves.
This is incredibly fragile, precarious and dependent on things and people that we have no control over, simply because anything outside of our ‘self’ cannot be controlled.
The only control we ever have is with ourself.
There is no denying that narcissistic abuse is one of the most (if not the most) empowering opportunities (via total emotional devastation) to get aligned with your essential Life Truth that will set you free in every area of your life, and not just within relationships.
This truth is: The Creation Of Your Life Is Never Dependent On What Someone Else Is Or Isn’t Doing.
Through the experience of narcissistic abuse you were pulled out of your own power, and your entire feelings of Survival, Security and Identity became what the narcissist was or wasn’t doing.
This created your state of already existing codependency to be highlighted significantly, and allowed you to be abused.
When we recover from narcissistic abuse truly all of the illusions that something or someone outside of us is responsible for our state of self are released – because at True Self level anything or anyone else is ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for us.
Your True Closure is this:
I can totally assure you, however, that when you do the right work on yourself, which is about claiming and healing your unhealed parts, that you will be grateful – incredibly grateful. Because you will know that your narcissistic abuse situation was in fact a co-created dance of divinity that allowed you finally to come home to yourself.
You will also know that there are no victims and no villains, and that you soul is always creating perfectly the circumstances and situation necessary for you to heal and become aligned with Who You Really Are. There are NO mistakes…
By accepting and knowing all of this you will be free to move forward and create…
and you will 100% know…
No-One Owes You Anything! It’s Not Their Job!
You owe YOU everything, and when you get THAT Right, you will effortlessly attract those people that add more of the same, and no longer play, struggle and obsess with those that don’t and can’t.
continued. . .
Human Closure Versus Narcissistic Closure
Closure may be possible if you were dealing with a normal human being, because the fundaments of normal human interaction are about having a conscience, and possessing the ability to consider other people’s feelings.
There are relationship endings that do exist whereby one or both parties has genuine concern in regard to creating closure, decency and respect when going separate ways.
This, however, is not the narcissistic reality.
Do you believe ‘everything happens for reason’?
I do, and I have found that this acceptance is one of the biggest keys in recovering from narcissistic abuse. I’m coming up to that part soon…
As you well know by now, the narcissist does not have this functionality – and no matter how much you would like him or her to grant you something, anything to help you gain closure – the narcissist has no perception, or desire to do that.
In fact your trying to gain closure keeps offering the narcissist A Grade Narcissistic Supply. It supplies attention, and the ability for the narcissist to feel incredibly important that you are so affected by what he or she has done.
Let’s face it, in the midst of narcissist abuse you met head on with lack of accountability, zero conscience and a total lack consideration for your feelings. If you didn’t receive decencies then, why would you now? Nothing has changed…
I know that we all have had the hope that somewhere, somehow the narcissist will get it…genuinely get it…and that this would mean, one day after breaking up, you would receive sanity, ownership, signs of regret and remorse…
In fact you may have seen these things before, but you know it doesn’t hold, and therefore these feelings are not genuinely felt or owned by the narcissist, and certainly are not, and will not be applied in his or her life, or dealings with you.
When we end a relationship with a narcissist – it can be a terrible and painful experience to realise there is no closure.
There is no “I’m sorry, I treated you terribly”, there is the absence of “I realise that if I had done things differently we could have worked”, or “The way I treated you was disgraceful”. Often, horrifically, there is no explanation for the cruel ability to abuse and manipulate you, and then discard, abandon and move on as if you never existed.
Most narcissistic abuse sufferers struggle terribly with this – and experience the anguished feelings of “What did I REALLY mean to him or her?”
These feelings of non-closure can create a powerful hook, whereby you feel like you are waiting for some sense of closure. You may feel like you deserve an apology, some sort of explanation, or even some evidence that the narcissist’s life is miserable now that you’re not in it.
From where you’re sitting, it feels like none of this exists, and it may even feel like you’re stuck and you can’t move on without this closure. How do you get on with your life when you can’t have closure?
Additionally, you gave so much of yourself, and to what avail? Not to mention the horrific loses that you experienced along the way. And the narcissist has skipped off into the horizon, continuing life as normal without even skipping a beat. Where is the justice?!
Insult is added to injury when you start experiencing: the more you want closure from the narcissist, the less you get it…
For many people, after suffering a narcissistically abusing relationship, it feels like you have been punished, that life has dealt you a terrible blow – and you are desperate for some form of closure…
You may call, text or write letters to the narcissist, venting your feelings, fishing for answers, trying to coerce him or her to respond like a normal human being, force some accountability, and you may spew forth your pain to try to activate some sort of guilt.
However, no matter what you try, it doesn’t work; leaving you even more desperate for closure.
It’s a horrible, vicious cycle.
Human Closure Versus Narcissistic ClosureClosure may be possible if you were dealing with a normal human being, because the fundaments of normal human interaction are about having a conscience, and possessing the ability to consider other people’s feelings.
to be continued. . .
CONTINUED. . . .
Telling a Friend That You're Tired of Their Selfishness
The irony of selfish friends is that if you tell them you feel they are acting selfishly, they will either be shocked, offended that you suggested such a thing, or not care at all. If someone lacks the self-awareness to notice how they treat people, then you telling them might just cause an argument between the two of you rather than resolve this imbalance in your relationship.
Having said that, you owe it to yourself and the relationship to relay your concerns, but be careful. If you start randomly accusing them of things without examples you'll be the one behaving selfishly.
Avoid saying things like:
"When I told you I was really lonely and asked if I could see you, you laughed at me. I needed company and I'm there when you want to do something. This was an important moment and I felt that you weren't concerned about my feelings."
"I have listened patiently when you complained about your boyfriend, but now that I'm having problems you don't seem to care. Yesterday when I told you how I was feeling you just told me to get over it."
"You used to call me every day last summer when you wanted someone to watch your kids. I was happy to do it. But today when I asked you for a favor you blew me off. I've come to realize this instance happens more often than not."
Remember, as you talk to your friend, don't attack. It's a hard balance. Ask them to listen to your feelings rather than accuse them of things. Even if they did do something wrong, their memory of the situation might be different so be prepared for that. Also, be prepared with reasons why you feel your friend has acted selfishly so you can discuss what you'd like your friend to do instead. That's easier than just saying, "You're so selfish" without giving an example.
What Is Your Goal in Talking to Your Friend?
Before you speak with a friend about being selfish, determine your intentions. Do you want to work through things or end the friendship?
If you just want to end the friendship, you can do that without getting dramatic. A part of you might want to yell and tell the person how selfish they are, but instead, keep your composure and calmly tell them how you feel, even if you know this is the end of your association. This approach will have a much greater impact on a selfish person than hysterics or mean behavior.
Don't Try to Change a Selfish Friend
While you should definitely discuss your concerns about their selfishness, never assume that you'll change them. People will change when and if they want to, and while you can tell them how they make you feel, you can't expect them to turn into another (more caring) person. People are who they are.