3. Just because you've changed doesn't mean they can.Sometimes we know what it's like to turn our lives around, and so we invest faith in others who seek redemption. The problem is, narcissists cannot and will not change. Every so-called change is piecemeal and ephemeral, and you will pay for that dearly. Know this: The only person you need to take care of, in this very moment, is yourself. You've been pummeled and whipped into a shadow of yourself, and you deserve to love yourself into healing.
4. Discernment does not make you a bad person."If I judge him, doesn't that make me unspiritual? Then I am as bad as him!" Many clients come to me with this sort of sentiment.
There is an inherent problem with the maxim "Don't judge." It presupposes that anytime we decide something isn't good for us, we're bad people, and we judge ourselves instead. To be alive is to judge—every time you reverse your car in the parking lot, you are making a judgment call on what angle to maneuver. Discernment does not make you a bad person. It makes you a wiser person. Here's something to consider, instead: If this relationship with a narcissist were to happen to your best friend or child, would you be OK with it?
5. Recognize your mistakes—but don't let them be used as a weapon against you.Yes, you were not perfect. You did bad things too. Not only in your life but in the relationship. When you were pushed and provoked, you might've snapped. You might've said mean things in the heat of the moment. The narcissist uses these instances against you, saying you are equally to blame. They'll use lines like, "Remember how good things used to be between us. It's all your fault I'm like this now." They'll try to make you feel you have no right to call them a narcissist.
Yes, you might've made bad decisions or done "bad" things. But unlike a narcissist, you didn't deliberately set a trap to slowly hook, hoodwink, and then abuse another person for your own sick kicks.
You're not a saint. That doesn't mean you need to be stomaching another person's literal and figurative punches.