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CONTINUED FROM YESTERDAY. . . 

So with that in mind, let’s look at ten rules to guide your interactions with a narcissist:

1. Do not ascribe normalcy to the narcissist.

If you are a normal person seeking normal goals, hoping for normal relationship outcomes, it is only natural to want (or even expect) the other person to reciprocate. You can live with the simple philosophy, “I’ll scratch your back, and you scratch my back.” Normal people operate with the presumption that simple courtesy and decency are not that difficult, nor do they require strenuous effort.

Narcissists, however, are not normal, at least in their relationship goals. In short spurts they can appear friendly and cooperative, but it does not take long for their true colors to show. Wanting to stay in the control seat, they are manipulators looking for the next chance to get what they want from you. To them, you are part of their supply chain, and they expect you to defer and acquiesce. Reciprocity is not part of their game plan.

So drop the illusion that they will join you in your healthy pursuits. They are limited in their people skills, and any efforts from you to help them grow will turn into an opportunity for them to squash you.

When you are a healthy person relating with another healthy person, the rules of engagement are simple and straightforward:

• I’ll show you respect just as I know you will in reverse.
• I’ll listen to you, and I know you’ll do the same.
• You can help me, and I can help you.
• Let’s remember to be an encouraging presence to each other.
• I’ll tune into your feelings and respond accordingly, just as you will.
• When we disagree, we can still communicate in an agreeable fashion.
• As difficult circumstances arise, we will each have the other’s back.
• Making plans will be done with the other’s needs and preferences in mind.
• When we make mistakes or show insensitivity, we own it and adjust.
• We’ll make no attempts to one-up each other since we operate as equals.

We could add more to this list, but you get the idea. Healthy relationships are guided by conscientiousness and a willingness to create a mutually gratifying experience. It takes concentration, but with maturation, this form of engagement is possible and quite rewarding.

But with a narcissist. . .

Narcissists are neither healthy nor mature as they approach you in relationship. Keep in mind that these people are defined by the need for control. Specifically, this makes them prone to criticism, stubbornness, bullying, defensiveness, and arguing. They lack empathy, which means that affirmation from them is fleeting at best, and they do not anticipate how to blend with you because you are supposed to cater to them. They can be master manipulators, which means they carry a self-serving agenda, causing them to become exploitative and secretive. Attempts to manage conflict almost always end poorly, and you are blamed for the perpetual strain that exists.

Over time, the narcissist’s presence in your life can become toxic, bringing out the worst in you. Their mannerisms can prompt you to become argumentative, defensive, guarded, and tense. Your attempts to make the narcissist “see the light” will inevitably fall short since narcissists feel no need to listen, to accommodate you, or to blend with your unique inclinations.

Simply put, narcissists are not good candidates for long-term rewarding relationships…at all.

One of the most common reactions you can have after pulling away from a narcissistic person is the “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda” game. You know…the second guessing of yourself about how you may have been too naïve or how you saw signs that you ignored. Realistically, in the earlier stages of a relationship with a narcissist, you can be hindered by a lack of insight or awareness or wisdom or options, only to learn at a much later date that you were being played. So, what is the key?

You can find comfort in knowing that at some point in the relationship you gained a clearer focus. It may have been a bit late in the game, but at least it happened.

For instance:

• A woman recalled that her boyfriend used to make rude, chauvinistic comments, then when she would call him out, he’d say, “I was just kidding.” Once they married, this continued and she realized he wasn’t just kidding. Later she explained, “By the time we divorced, I hated him. I should have listened to my gut a long ago.”
• A middle-aged woman repeatedly spoke with her girlfriend about how men routinely treated her poorly. She had a penchant for painting herself as the sweet innocent victim. Later this girlfriend learned that the woman had just broken off an 8-month affair with a married man. She remarked, “It was then that I realized that despite her complaints, she was the real manipulator.”
• A man explained how his father was very critical, never pleased, and prone to rages. This man decided he’d be the one family member who wouldn’t take the father’s crap, so he’d yell right back at him. Later he admitted: “It finally dawned on me that I was wasting my breath, and what’s worse, I had become the jerk in the family!”
• A lady felt she had found a true confidante. She’d talk about all sorts of personal matters with this person, but over time it was apparent that the relationship had become a one-way street. The confidante did not share vulnerabilities in reverse, and what was worse, she would retell this lady’s stories to other people. The lady eventually concluded, “It turns out, she was just the town gossip.”

Once you gain clarity regarding the narcissistic person, you can feel duped or angered…and that is quite natural. So, to know you are moving forward into a healing place, you will need to determine not fall back into sim

traps. To facilitate that, there is one key to moving forward successfully:

The Key- Listen to yourself.

In a high percentage of relationships with a narcissist, red flags appear that you might minimize or ignore, and you can’t allow that trend to continue. Listening to yourself means paying attention to the discomfort you feel in your gut, prioritizing self-care and relationship boundaries.

INGREDIENTS 

• Espresso (or strong coffee)
• Pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling)
• Maple syrup
• Milk of any type
• Pumpkin pie spice blend
• Ice

Here’s the outline of how to make an iced pumpkin spice latte at home:

• Step 1: Make a double shot of espresso.
• Step 2: Froth ¼ cup whole milk with ¼ teaspoon pumpkin spices by shaking it in a covered jar or whisking until frothy.
• Step 3: Stir the espresso with 1 tablespoon each pumpkin puree and maple syrup.
• Step 4: Add the milk and serve with ice.

CONTINUED. . . . 

Grandparents

Again, very little is known about the emotional impact of abortion upon grandparents. Grandparent pain can be separated into several categories as well:

• Parents who encouraged/forced their child to abort.
• Parents who did not know their child was pregnant and aborted.
• Parents who allowed their child to make their own choice about aborting.
• Parents who actively tried to stop the abortion but had no legal standing.

For the parents who encouraged/forced the abortion, there are many similarities in pain to the other demographic groups. Guilt, anxiety, mourning, grief, depression, etc. can all result because the person sees himself or herself as having the blood of this child on their hands. In many cases, the healing process can be similar to a mother’s process. By acknowledging their sin, reaching out to God and grieving the loss of this child, they can also find peace. Yet they may still be confronted with anger from the aborting child because the child was either helpless or overruled in making their own choice.

For parents who never discover their grandchild was aborted, there is no specific grief. The family often experiences a dysfunctional relationship with the aborting daughter/son but rarely suspect a past abortion could be the reason for their difficulties. This daughter might become angry when a sibling presents the family with the first grandchild, secretly knowing that her child should have received this esteemed position.

Post abortion Trauma Affects More than the Baby’s Parents

I have received many phone calls and e-mail communications from individuals who have just discovered that an abortion has occurred in their family. For some, they are overwhelmed with shock. After that wears off, they are left with various emotions that include grief, anger, frustration, and helplessness.

Whether or not you realize it, you are in the process of beginning to mourn a lost family member. Regardless of how the post-abortive parent is reacting, you must give yourself time to mourn this loss.

Maybe you fall into the categories listed below. Regardless, understand that you are hurting and may need to go through your own grief process.

Demographics of Post-Abortive Individuals

While women are normally the initial target audience for ministry services, we know that other people are affected by post abortion pain. These individuals can also be a powerful testimony to abortion’s devastation. Here are the groups Ramah International, Inc. is seeking to reach:

Mothers

When a woman thinks she may be pregnant, it’s a great relief when she gets a negative pregnancy test or her period begins. The crisis is over and many promise to never, “Let it happen again.” This promise can be fulfilled through abstinence (or secondary virginity)! Contrary to popular opinion, people don’t go crazy if they don’t have sex. Abstinence is an option that thousands of young people are choosing today.

Here are just some of the benefits of this commitment:

• Abstinence is the only 100% effective guarantee that you won’t get pregnant
• You won’t get an STI
• You will be spared the heartache and pain that sex often brings to an unmarried person

After a negative pregnancy test, some women become more intent on using contraceptives to prevent future pregnancy and continue being sexually active. Few understand that many women still get pregnant even when using the pill or other means of birth control.

Some young women confess to not even enjoying the sexual encounter but agree to it because they want to be “close” and “feel loved.” Men can easily push for sex as a means of “showing” their love. The woman can feel obligated to in spite of the fact that she feels little pleasure outside of the embrace. They don’t realize that they deserve the best sex ever and that exists inside of a relationship where a man has made a commitment to her in marriage.

Sexual activity outside of marriage has serious risks besides pregnancy. Sexually transmitted infections/diseases (STI/STD) impacts thousands of young people each year.

Choosing abortion can be a traumatic experience for everyone involved. Abortion PTSD symptoms have many “faces” depending on the variables surrounding the abortion situation.  Below is a list of typical reactions some may experience in the months or years following an abortion.

Rarely does the post-abortive person suffer every scenario.   Other abortion PTSD symptoms may not even be included in the list below.  If someone has endured two or more of these situations/emotions, it could mean that their pain is centered on an abortion experience.  If that is the case, an abortion recovery program can help bring peace.

Guilt – A mother’s heart is genetically designed to “protect their child at all costs.”  Abortion can short-circuit that basic human instinct, leading to feelings of guilt. A common Abortion PTSD symptoms could be that the individuals believes future bad events happen because they “deserve it” for making this choice.

Anxiety (i.e., anxiety attacks) – Many individuals state that after their abortion they started feeling tense and could not relax.  Others outline physical reactions like dizziness, pounding heart, upset stomach, headaches.  Thus may also include worrying about the future, struggling to concentrate and not be able to sleep.  It is often difficult to understand the source of anxiety.

Avoiding Children or Pregnant Women – Post-abortive people can avoid being near babies, pregnant women or children that would have been around the age of their aborted child. The abortion PTSD symptoms of avoidance behavior can include, but is not limited to:  skipping baby showers, avoiding the baby aisle at the grocery store, walking around the block to avoid a playground, or making excuses to escape events that include children or pregnant women.

The lack of counseling before consenting to an abortion can be troublesome after an abortion.
When help and support from family and friends are not available, a woman’s adjustment to the decision may be more of a problem.

If a woman felt forced into the abortion decision as a result of pressure from the father of the child, her family or friends, she may become angry and withdraw from these individuals after the abortion.

If the woman felt like she had no choice but to have an abortion, she often experiences complicated emotions afterwards.

Other reasons why a woman’s long-term response to an abortion can be poor are often related to past events in her life. For example, bad feelings could last longer if she is unused to making major life decisions or already has serious emotional problems.

Talking with a professional and/or objective counselor can help a woman to receive education that allows her to consider her decision fully before she takes any action.  It is essential to find a source of information that does not benefit financial from the abortion decision.  Pregnancy centers are the best source of information and support to women considering abortion as well as assisting them emotionally after an abortion (abortion recovery).  To find a local pregnancy center that provides this level of support, visit Help In Your Area.

Emergency contraception is sometimes referred to as the morning after pill, or by their common brand names — “Plan B One-Step” and “ella.” Emergency contraception is a term used for drugs taken after sex with the intent to prevent pregnancy.

Many confuse the morning after pill with the abortion pill. The abortion pill terminates an existing and established pregnancy. The morning after pill, on the other hand, works to prevent conception, though in some cases it has the potential to cause a very early abortion.

Plan B One-Step – Morning After Pill

Plan B One-Step also is referred to as the morning after pill. It is designed to prevent pregnancy after a known or suspected contraceptive failure, unprotected intercourse, or forced sex. Plan B contains large amounts of levonorgestrel, a progestin hormone found in some birth control pills. Plan B One-Step may work by preventing the egg and sperm from meeting by delaying ovulation. It won’t disrupt an implanted pregnancy, but may prevent a newly formed life from implanting in the uterus.

Plan B One-Step consists of one pill taken up to 72 hours after sex.

Hello, I’m Sydna Massé, author of the book, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion and the Founder and CEO of Ramah International, an outreach organization designed to offer the hope of healing to abortion’s wounded around the world.

Embracing grief after abortion has massive rewards that are outlined in Psalm 126:4-6 – Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.

Grief and joy don’t seem to go together but they do! I never want to “get over” missing my aborted child or my parents.  Thinking about them can make me cry or laugh depending on the memory.

When expected grief comes, like on their birthdays, anniversary dates or just looking through photos, I may weep again. I miss them. Crying brings God’s comfort close to my heart. By embracing this grief, I relieve my burden and receive God’s warm love.

Focused grief means openly embracing any level of potential sorrow and allowing tears to flow freely. Whatever triggers abortion grief, realize tears are essential in the ongoing healing process.

Lamentations 2:18-19 shares more on God’s purpose in our mourning our aborted children – The hearts of the people cry out to the Lord. You walls of the Daughter of Zion, let your tears flow like a river day and night; give yourself no relief, your eyes no rest. Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children… 

This module, along with Chapter 7 in my book, Her Choice to Heal, will begin to help you begin to realize your grief and embrace it so that you reach the joy that awaits you through God’s restoration process!

“I never would have aborted had my boyfriend not bullied me into it, Sydna,” the recently post-abortive woman outlined in an e-mail message. “My anger against him is consuming me.”

Women do not get pregnant by themselves. Rarely do they end up in abortion clinics without being impacted by the opinion of others. Whether through direct or indirect involvement, abortion enablers are those who encourage, bully, intimidate, coerce or assist women in choosing abortion.  

Abortion enablers may also be individuals who didn’t know about your abortion but indirectly made you feel it was a good decision. My mother never knew I was pregnant but had been very clear during my upbringing that if I ever found myself un-wed and pregnant, she would reject me. So indirectly her perspective on unwed pregnancy was clear.

While I doubt my mother would have ever forced me to abort, she likely would have sent me away during my pregnancy to protect herself from scandal. I would have ended up in a maternity home. Likely she would have insisted I place my baby for adoption if I wanted to be included in her life.

While I had entered that abortion clinic of my own free will and have taken responsibility for this choice, I was deeply conflicted then. For weeks my boyfriend had encouraged, argued and reinforced that abortion was our only option. He would accept no other choice but abortion. His intense intimidation factored strongly into my reluctantly entering a place that would change my life forever.

How do I forgive those that forced me to abort?

Mark 11:25b outlines, Forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you.“

Matthew 6:15 relays, If you do not forgive men their sins, your father in heaven will not forgive you.

Women whose parents forced them to abort had no real choice in the matter. By not wanting to be another disappointment to their parents they succumbed and allowed the abortion to happen. Each time they are with these parents, anger and resentment emotions may arise. The parents can become a reminder of their abortion pain as well so the adult child may avoid any contact with them.

Partners who insist upon abortion are often abusive in other ways. Out of fear, the woman agreed, despite the fact that she may not have felt she had any other choice. In these cases, the relationship typically ends after the abortion is complete. Abortion is not the glue that holds a relationship together but a knife that tears it apart.

If a parent forced the decision on their minor child, I believe the abortion is her parent’s sin. The woman’s sin may be fornication (or in the case of marriage — and a husband who forces his wife to abort another man’s child — it may be adultery). If her partner forced the decision, the woman may still feel like she sinned in not being able to stand up for the life of her child.

 know God forgives us our sins. I know He has forgiven me. I’m full of anxiety and don’t know why. What is happening to me?

Spiritually sensitive post-abortive individuals often view their choice to abort as unforgivable in the eyes of God. Many also struggle in forgiving others who participated in their abortion choice. Post-abortive people are often the hardest on themselves for participating in their own child’s death. Few realize that regardless of the sin, it isn’t in God’s character to hold our sins against us. He wants to forgive and heal our hearts.

“There is no sin that God can’t forgive – even abortion,” Dr. James Dobson outlined during my first day working at Focus on the Family in October of 1991. “The problem may be you don’t forgive yourself, and you may need help.”

His simple point was amazingly accurate in my heart. No one had ever spoken to me directly as a post-abortive person. Dr. Dobson’s voice had deep compassion when he outlined the exact point of pain in my heart. He gave me an amazing gift of understanding. If I knew what was wrong, perhaps there was a path to recovering from the weight of my sin of abortion.

At that point, a decade had passed since my child’s death. I had worked through forgiving my former boyfriend who forced my abortion decision, the college that would have expelled me as a pregnant, un-wed student and others who thought abortion was a good idea in my situation. Forgiving myself seemed impossible and wrong. I felt that I deserved the worst in life because I had allowed my child to die.

While I certainly could blame others for encouraging my abortion choice, I had walked into that clinic out of my own free will. Therefore. I was ultimately responsible for my child’s death. In going against my female “genetic code” to protect my “young” at all costs, there was a huge fine to pay in regret. A decade was a long time to carry that weight.

Immediately after an abortion, there is often an emotion of relief that the situation has been resolved.  However, many also have nagging doubts and apprehensions about the long-term impact of the abortion process.  If your abortion was within the last six months, there are a few recommended steps to help ensure that the abortion did not harm you physically.

Please understand that Ramah International offers this as general information.  Sydna Masse is not a physician or professional counselor.  Her expertise in abortion recovery is based on assisting women spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and physically after abortion.  While working with tens of thousands of post-abortive people over the last twenty-four years, Sydna has learned that some experiences are very common.

Understand that your hormones are in the process of shifting back to a non-pregnant state.  Having unbalanced hormones leads many to experience emotional ups and downs.  When you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that your body is changing back to a non-pregnancy level and it may take a few months for your emotions to become normal again.

Be sure to schedule a follow-up exam by a physician that does not perform or refer for abortion procedures.  Very few states have adopted health-code regulations to regulate the general sanitation of abortion clinics.  It makes good sense to have a physician uninvolved in the abortion industry ensure that your healthcare in this procedure was appropriate and safe.  This will set many potential fears of infertility at rest and resolve any medical issues that may have resulted from your abortion experience.

Choosing abortion can be a traumatic experience for everyone involved. Abortion PTSD symptoms have many “faces” depending on the variables surrounding the abortion situation.  Below is a list of typical reactions some may experience in the months or years following an abortion.

Rarely does the post-abortive person suffer every scenario.   Other abortion PTSD symptoms may not even be included in the list below.  If someone has endured two or more of these situations/emotions, it could mean that their pain is centered on an abortion experience.  If that is the case, an abortion recovery program can help bring peace.

Guilt – A mother’s heart is genetically designed to “protect their child at all costs.”  Abortion can short-circuit that basic human instinct, leading to feelings of guilt. A common Abortion PTSD symptoms could be that the individuals believes future bad events happen because they “deserve it” for making this choice.

Anxiety (i.e., anxiety attacks) – Many individuals state that after their abortion they started feeling tense and could not relax.  Others outline physical reactions like dizziness, pounding heart, upset stomach, headaches.  Thus may also include worrying about the future, struggling to concentrate and not be able to sleep.  It is often difficult to understand the source of anxiety.

Avoiding Children or Pregnant Women – Post-abortive people can avoid being near babies, pregnant women or children that would have been around the age of their aborted child. The abortion PTSD symptoms of avoidance behavior can include, but is not limited to:  skipping baby showers, avoiding the baby aisle at the grocery store, walking around the block to avoid a playground, or making excuses to escape events that include children or pregnant women.

10. Acceptance

The tenth stage may be reached within weeks, months, or even years. It really depends on the individual.

This is one of the stages of emotional healing that will present itself when you least expect it.

It’ll come to you like a moment of enlightenment. You’ll realize that you now accept your past and the way it turned out.

You’ll also accept yourself. This experience has made you wiser, stronger and a much better person.

Of course, we would all want to be able to avoid any type of suffering during our life, but the fact that it happened is just another lesson you’ve learned.

7. Regulation

A lot of people talk about the regulation stage. There’s not much said about this, but we do go through it, even if we’re not aware of it.

This is when you’re trying to get yourself out of your depressive state.

You want to regulate your emotions because the overwhelming anxiety and sadness you feel are ruling your entire life.

In this stage, you’re trying to create a safe and calm environment in which you can heal.

This isn’t a coping mechanism, it’s just you trying to get yourself out of a very dark place.